If there is one character quality that I could say I possessed 100%, it would be fearful. I am afraid of literally everything. I’m afraid of failure, people, loud noises, darkness, traveling, new places, change, my own feelings, everyone else’s feelings, and making others angry. I am especially afraid of screwing my life up with bad decisions I make as a young adult. I am afraid of being thousands of dollars in debt. I am afraid of getting a divorce or living a miserable married life because I picked the wrong man. I am afraid of not being able to parent children well. My goal in life for the last 10 years or so has been to live a life as safe as possible. I don’t do danger, risk, or surprises. Any of you who has ever lived a faithful life for God know that this type of life is unrealistic. I have been wrestling with God for years about my future because I want to live a safe life. God, fortunately, has bigger plans for me. Do I know what these are? Heck to the no. However, He wants me to prepare for this life now. He wants me to start getting ready to live a life for him. God doesn’t want me to prepare for safety. Instead, He wants me to prepare to be dangerous for him.
Looking forward to how I will rise, Brooklyn
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Wow… it has been a week since my last blog post. I guess that is what happens when my anxiety controls more of my actions than my passions do. I’m sure many of you can relate. That is why I have decided to post a little bit about my anxiety.
I was diagnosed this last fall with depression and PTSD. What caused this? 16 years of constant abuse from my father. My intent here is not to have a pity party. I have had enough of those to last a lifetime. He doesn’t deserve my tears or my self-pity. Instead, I want to share the methods I use to counterattack my symptoms. My first method is people. One thing I want to do when I am freaking out, depressed, anxious, or stressed is to isolate myself from others. I have been working hard these last few semsters to perfect the art of pulling myself out of my loneliness and at least sitting in the same room as other people. Even if it is just sitting with my seven-year-old sister while she colors. My second method is God. Why isn’t the Lord my first method? Because I never remember to go to God first. Shame on me. Although it does happen occasionally, I am not going to tell an anecdote about how I will open up the bible and the verse will be exactly what I needed to hear dur dur dur. Rarely does this happen. Often times my devotions for the day (that I hadn’t done yet) have nothing to do with my current issues. However, these God-centered methods always refocus my mind onto God, his thoughts, his purposes, and his love. This brings my anxious thoughts away from my human worry. My third method to deal with potential panic attacks is to talk to myself. No, I’m not crazy. No, you aren’t crazy to try it either. Sometimes just saying what I am freaking out about out loud is all I need to realize how small the issue is. Most of the time my anxiety is about something that feels like the end of the world on the inside, but on when I get my problem on the outside I get some much-needed perspective. Believe it or not you, whoever you are, might just be wiser than you think. Talk it out with yourself. After all, who understands you better than you? I hope this is helpful and encouraging to the rest of you reading this. I was actually battling some depression when I decided to write this. Thanks for being my “people” tonight. Trying to rise, Brooklyn |
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December 2017
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